I saw a morbidly obese person today gorging on ice-cream at McDonalds. Urgh. He isn't even trying. I've nothing against obesity, but I'm just saying what I felt, probably like the guy in Seven who wanted to kill the personification of gluttony.

I can't always be Mr Friendly, even at work. To my friends, at least, nowadays, I'm trying to be happy, although I may strike you as slightly insane, like sometimes I say things I don't really mean anymore, but just cause they're interesting and it's easier to say them than not. But I guess in the company of the rest I'm still reserved and I better not say some crazy shit lest they misunderstand.

Not much to be worried about. Just perhaps that dad's being all worrisome about future studies and stuff, always wanting perfection, but I just wanna settle down and know what I'm going to do. And other than that I guess my enthusiasm isn't expected to last the whole year, I probably need some time away to charge my batteries. I think I shall be disconsolate and disappointed for now, because people let me down. Oh you silly people. Why don't you all just love me.


Right now if I had my way I'd be able to populate my mind with lots of wonderful inimitable stories which would take on a life of their own.

Unfortunately, I can sense myself snaking down to some dull quotidium. And I'm currently pretty anxious I guess about the future and everything and I guess, from time to time, I have to wind down my spring.

It would be wonderful if one could will oneself into chirpiness but it doesn't always happen, there are days when you wake up and you don't feel like brushing your teeth.

Seeing the pretty people who used to play so long ago! Will we ever be the students so in love with literature or poetry or just carrying that next line. Think there's a lot of work to be done now.


It hurts me sometimes when I'm not the person people want me to be.

In general I'd like to be. No matter how much cathartic relief it affords me, saying "fuck it" is just that, "fuck it." I won't pack my bags and fucking fly to Australia and start a farm there.

Logically speaking, there isn't anything wrong with just fucking it. It would probably overstate my importance to the world, that if I decide to laze around and do nothing, that it would cause people around me a great sense of loss. Sure, parents will be disappointed. They'll get over it, and they'll love you anyway. Maybe they'll even love you more.

I'll be honest. Your feedback matters. It hurts when I'm rated 1 on a scale of 1 - 5, where 1 is unsatisfactory and 5 is very good. Is it better than if you shaded 3's all the way? I don't know. Any feedback/comments? I'd follow it. In some ways, I judge myself by other people's standards. I'm always helping other people rate myself. I mean, if you criticize my character, of course I'm not going to change in front you straightaway, lest you feel that berating my character gets you somewhere, but deep down gosh I'm just bloody ruined and I wanna change, albeit slowly, because I don't know I just don't lurch from side to side.

There are some things I will never be. I think I realise that more acutely now. Like if I'm a quiet person, that can change. It's merely a change in quality, and requires probably that bit more energy. Can be done. Not enough initiative. Okay, work harder, can be done. Insufficient eye for detail. Can be done, of course with limits to the way my mind has been trained to operate.

Be more aggressive. Well. Let's see. Okay. I'm no pacifist. If you raped my sister I would shoot you. Okay even if I don't really hate you I would still shoot you under some circumstances.

I see it in me sometimes. When playing soccer, I guess I hate to lose and I tend to get really pissed off in games. And if I'm in game mode and I need to do something then well I do it.

It's when the reality between game and life is blurred. The notion that life is a game, that we must compete and win. Gosh, I'm not saying that I'm all Mr. Take - It - Easy, Mr. Oh I don't Really Give a Fuck, Mr Cool, Mr Natural. I'm just saying that in a cut-throat world, I may not survive. If you put me in a communist world, where eveyrhting was subsumed to one ultimate aim, I would probably be quite a good bureaucrat. They may probably give me a few medals to appreciate my contributions to the Fatherland.

But it's when it comes to proving I'm better. I can't do that. I can't write an essay selling myself to save the world. Take my blog. Show it to any prospective employer. It'll be like oh shit this pussy wimp can't even take care of himself. Sometimes I wonder what life would be if I didn't read so much.

I've been so sold into dignity and human worth and blah blah that I no longer believe it matters to prove you're better than the next person. To tell the truth I don't really like competition in real life, how it makes some people behave. I'm just turned off sometimes. But I mean who likes feeling lousier than others. The trick is to win right? But I can't shed this BHB thing about winning, and I think maybe it's too much shit in the bible about rich people going to hell and last going first that I have a mentality so last is ok?, underdog is ok?, and I pay less attention the the fact that maybe winning really matters in this wortld? That you get the girl if you have a bigger cock or you don't curse so much. And if you loved her more.

Am I fucking wrong or what? Cause if I'm misguided tell me. I really just feel like turning into a big fat fucker who doesn't really care how you feel. But I'm just saying it. I'll never be it. You can't fucking fight 19 years of naivety. I just feel like I've got cum in my eye (though I'd really like to know how that feels, but it just sounds so wicked ain't it.) I think I'll reserve that phrase to sub "too much of a good thing". You're so fucking stim that you cum in your eye. yeah haha. cursing makes me feel macho and less androgynous. oh yeah feel my muscles. my biceps. i need to rut now. where's my damn heifer.


Bali: the reckoning

Okay. it's $358 for 4D/4N at Legian express, a 23 room budget hotel in Legian, near the shopping district. Air-conditioning, set in 0.25 hectares of Balinese gardens, and with pool and massage facilities. Rooms come in cottage style. Go look it up. 10 mins from Kuta Beach

$393 for 4D/4N at Legian Paradiso, slightly better facilities and closer to the beach.

Airport tax about $60. Package includes half day tour to Ubud and return airport transfer

Flight on Wed night 1930, return on Sunday evening about 1800.

Will be borrowing Lonely Planet: Bali from a friend, so can plan which places to go too.

Okay. so following flight dates are available:

8th Sep ( A bit rush)
15th Sep (Still a bit rush)
22nd Sep
29th Sep
6th October
13th October
20th October
27th October

If you go too late in October the rains start to come and that's not fun.

Need to confirm 1. who's going, 2. when everyone's free. any questions, ask. a lot of details, i can't type everything here.

must act fast. tickets and rooms limited.


Complainte de la butte

La lune trop bl�me
Pose un diad�me
Sur tes cheveux roux
La lune trop rousse
De gloire �clabousse
Ton jupon plein d'trous

La lune trop p�le
Caresse l'opale
De tes yeux blas�s
Princesse de la rue
Soit la bienvenue
Dans mon coeur bless�

The stairways up to la butte can make the wretched sigh
While windmill wings of the moulins shelter you and I

Ma p'tite mandigote
Je sens ta menotte
Qui cherche ma main
Je sens ta poitrine
Et ta taille fine
J'oublie mon chagrin

Je sens sur tes l�vres
Une odeur de fi�vre
De gosse mal nourri
Et sous ta caresse
Je sens une ivresse
Qui m'an�antit

The stairways up to la butte can make the wretched sigh
While windmill wings of the moulins shelter you and I

Mais voil� qu'il trotte
La lune se flotte
La princesse aussi
La la la la la La la la la la Mon r�ve �vanoui

Les escaliers de la butte sont durs aux mis�reux
Les ailes des moulins prot�gent les amoureux

performed by Rufus Wainwright

quite sad today lah. boo hoo. don't know why. cause the song just ended. follow this by "Across the Universe" and you're fucked. it kills me every time.

hasn't been a bad day by any standard, good, productive day at work, and nice to finally get back into the camp groove of things. also saw hok him for the 1st time in a few months and he's so cheerful and loud! but he destroyed his knee meniscus so I guess no more conducting of range for him. and can't run with him for AHM. Okay I guess I can get through this pretty well, this year has been pretty good so far.

but what do i do? i go home and listen to a song about pretty princesses bathed in moonlight, drenched in desire and destroyed dreams. not that it affects me. it's so stupid and sentimental. okay i guess i'm not sad. whee!


Information on Bali



Hi, to all looking for information on the trip to Bali. Bali is a wonderful sunny tropical island set in the Sea of Java. Our plan is to getaway there for 4 days, 3 nights. Date of departure is either 1st or 8th September(at night). The reason tickets are cheap is because its a night flight. It may make more sense to leave in the day but that means we have to fly SQ or Garuda which will be much more expensive than the extra night. And at least we can start the next day fresh. Please raise objections now, so I can find another date if too many people can't make it. It's over the weekend, so shouldn't be a prob. Please comment using the comment function=p.

Currently the deal I have is $328/pax. We get a 2.5 star hotel(not bad really) and easy access to beaches and places in Kuta Beach, the most happening part of Bali. For 3 star add $30/pax, and 4 star add $40/pax. Rooms are twin share. Flight will be by Australian Airlines, departing on Wednesday, Friday and Sunday nights. It is a full-service airline with meals (not a budget airline) but slightly cheaper than Singapore Airlines/Garuda, because you cannot play video games on board, and I think they don't give you free playing cards. Still, it's only about a 2 hr flight, so shouldn't matter. It's a spinoff from Qantas actually.

Departure is on Wed night and return on Sun night, so it's actually 4D/4N. Free & easy.

Depart 1915, Arrival 2145(2045 Indon time)

Don't really wanna plan a detailed itinerary yet. Here's a preview of what you can do. We can rent our own car, about 200,000 Rp a day, or about 30-40 bucks for a nice jeep, that can fit a lot of people. Petrol is like water to Indonesians, and Indonesians have a lot of water, so don't worry about that.

Stuff to do:

1. Beach bumming
2. Watersports. Learn to surf. (Nusa Dua, Kuta Beach)
3. Laze around in hotel
4. Clubbing in Kuta
5. Traditonal Balinese massage
6. Check out Indonesian way of life.
7. Shopping in Denpasar
8. Half-day cultural tour of Ubud
9. Trip to North of Island to check out volcanic caldera and beautiful padi fields to take photos.
10. Watch the sun set at Hindu temple of Tanah Lot.
11. Try to find hot Indonesian girlfriend.

I will update this list as I talk to more people and find out more about what Bali is like.
Basically, Dutch sailors looking for spice in the East Indies found this island, and they decided what the hell, let's quit our jobs and they stayed there for a long time. So. Who wants to go? Also planning to go recce some more tour agencies this Sat, so whoever's interested can come along. So far tour agencies can get better prices than priceline.com.sg because they purchase in bulk. Please comment!

For the second consecutive day, I've woken up to an empty house, without a need to get up, shake my eyes, prep myself for another day. Sit up, turn off the air-conditioning, wait for life to flow into my aching back and limbs again. I must have slept with the whole world in my dreams. And there's no one beside me. Hmm well what was I expecting. Finished Norwegian Wood last night.

Almost have forgotten how to live like this. When was the last meaningless holiday I had. I hope someone humours me with lunch.


This is good shit.

" Midori and I wandered around for a while. She said she wanted to climb a tree, but unfortunately there were no climbable trees in Shinjuku, and the Shinjuku Imperial Gardens were closing.

'Too bad', said Midori. 'I love climbing trees.'"

more good shit.

"I can't just walk ip to anyone and say, 'When you wank tonight, will you please think of me for a second? It's because I think of you as a friend that I'm asking'. "

(Midori & Watanabe have just finished a porn movie)

"That was fun," said Midori. "Let's try it again sometime."
"They just keep doing the same things," I said.
"Well what else can they do? We all just keep doing the same things."
She had a point there.

Outside again, Midori said she wanted to climb a tree.
"There aren't any trees around here," I said. "And even if there were, you're too wobbly to be trying anything."
"You're always too damned sensible. You ruin everything! I'm drunk cause I wanna be drunk. What's wrong with that? And even if I am drunk, I still wanna climb a tree. Shit, I'm gonna climb to the top of a great, big, tall tree and I'm gonna pee over everyone!"
"You wouldn't happen to need the toilet would you?"

Maintenant je sais

Now you can post comments. I guess I got sick of the old plain look. It was nice, it has served me well, but it has to make way for progress.

It was National Day yesterday, and I guess it was the climax of all the hard work for a lot of people. Of course, looking at it from the general public's point of view, we've come to expect a few things, such as a pull-out supplement from The Straits Times & the basic programme of the parade, and live telecasts, and Singapore Idol. Oh wait. That's new.

It was moving, to see the wonderful reception accorded to our outgoing PM and of course the tributes flow in. He's not horribly charismatic, it's like, ok, i'm going. Bye.

I mean parades. Geez. But the day it goes away, I guess it'll be missed. As with most taken for granted traditions, there'll be a certain bit of nostalgia if it every goes away. Personally, after all the build up, I wasn't feeling especially enthusiastic or patriotic yesterday, compared to earlier rehearsals.

It may not be horribly exciting to be a Singaporean, especially when no issues really divide or polarise us. We're still a stratified society, but basically we're all stuck on this island, so there's less divisiveness especially since we're taught to be united in order to be nimble and agile.

Contrast this to what is increasingly a more divided America. Fahrenheit 9/11, by Mr Michael Moore, is a 2 hour long campaign ad. It looks unlikely that any of the candidates are going to have the same sort of cross-party reach that Mr Reagan and Mr Clinton possessed. Both were exceedingly charming (easier to get things done, we're suckers for charm), and Mr Kerry is not. Mr Bush is slightly more endearing, but doesn't come across as very intelligent.

Mr Reagan proved what was right about the Republicans. Simple world view, achieving stated national security aims. I disagree however, that the end of the Cold War can be attributed to him. It was also a remarkable act of foresight by Mr Gorbachev to start liberalising the U.S.S.R so maybe Mr Reagan got too much credit for simply spending more money on arms than Soviet Russia. Okay. He cut taxes and liberalised the economy. Sound economic policy, but bad for the current account. Mr Clinton got that right. America in good shape.

Much is made about the CIA supplying Osama in the first place and how America tries to meddle with everyone. I thought, okay, war in Iraq is stupid, but maybe there is reason to believe Bush and Blair did it with a sincere heart. It's in the motive. If the Republicans are just a bunch of corrupt cronies, and say stupid things, I hate them. If they sincerely believed in getting rid of Saddam, and they do it in the best way possible, fine. But some of the things they do in the name of the 'war on terror' are just lame.

I believe in the political right. Although they have stupid thoughts on religion and stuff (imho), yet they ensure liberalism doesn't lean too much to the left, producing a nice centrist feel to the government. A bit of national security, a bit of welfare, and a bit of laissez faire. Moderation is good. Very W. Somerset Maugham

I like to believe I see things in shades. Pretty, not so pretty, average. Look beyond the veneer. Look at both sides. That's who I would like to be. I like pretty shiny things, but I like old things, symbolism. That bit of hope I guess is that you could love anything as long as it was unique. The trick is to find that bit of uniqueness, which for some people you can dig out pretty quickly, but for others it takes a lifetime of living.

I'd like to believe that I can choose not to apply standards to friends, which probably indicates a lack of standards on my part. Is that true? I guess I'm not much of a sticker for rules, but the fact is that I follow a lot of them. Wear my seat belt, don't piss people off, be generally nice and not grab things that don't belong to you. But really. Maybe I believe too much in personal rights. So it's okay if you're into ketamine or sleeping with women, I love you anyway.


National Day Special

Post more!

The last few months have went by in a flash, working late nights, settling stuff and added workload thanks to the National Day Parade. The cliched picture is of course a night cityscape or the interior of a club with the slow-sync turned on and long exposure. Little yellow fireflies.

All the things I do. Learn French. Want to do. Go to Bali, or some wide open expanse of land like Siberia. Learn other languages, communicate with other cultures so I can understand why they're so pathetically poor why we make so much money. Maybe like the damn dutch sailors who discovered Bali, it was like fuck spice, lets stay here forever and never go back.

I'm growing into adulthood. Driving cars, listening to Cai Qin in the middle of the night. Being my dad, because probably, my dad's memories are part mine. My memory of dad is dad 30ish, 40ish. It's still a little early to be using whatever he has taught me in deeds and action.

Spread roots, and be grateful to the soil. Follow a philosophy of life which I think is right but is of course imperfect, but perfecting it would kill me. Be honest and free.

It would be a gratification if you had a chick who could wank you off instead. Like oh, needs, and let's get it over with, it's just you wanting to cum.

And being that loner guy, saves you the trouble of dealing with envy and stuff. Oh wait, kill envy. That's why.

I'm tired. Tomorrow: Politics and Nationalism. Redemption for stuff which didn't really make much sense but just needed to go through the motions of writing weird undecipherable stuff on blog. I'm glad you wasted your time.

"Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end
Waiting round the bend
My Huckleberry friend
Moon river and me"

Moon river, off Breakfast at Tiffany's. Before how gorgeous and elegant Audrey Hepburn appears steals the topic of conversation, we must divert unfailingly back to the point.

Two can be such a lonely number. It's not just about two couples in love. But knowing someone, who knows some certain aspect of you, can be an overwhelmingly lonely thing. If no one ever knew you for who you are, you could attribute it perhaps to the general unfairness of the world, or a certain tragedy we all must face. But knowing someone who knows you, at one moment, that moment can be rather lonely one when you realise 6 billion other people fade into oblivion, and that the world isn't that unfair after all, yet one other is all you have. But that's just romanticising it. Was just thinking about it when me and my boss were frustrated at the National Stadium on Saturday, and thinking that only we could feel each others pain. That's rubbish of course.

"There are place I'll remember all my life
Though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone, and some remain.

All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I can still recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more."

McCartney was the more sensible beatle. Life soon settles into its regular dose of familiarity. Quotidian rituals exercise their rightful role, to remind us that we have to work, play, achieve certain set goals and objectives. Coffee symbolises a lack of time. Put aside all these ragged thought-to-death thoughts, so one can truly function in hope and in want.

Nostalgia rushes in like a void when one is empty. Life wants to be filled, with purpose, with addresses, with lovers, with breakfast, lunch and dinner, with work and fax machines and Apple computers.

Are we hip and cool? Are we 90's chic? Are we the children of the revolution? What is our generation looking for? Do we go pack-hunting for purpose in life, or are we all too damn selfish anyway that we'll get our fix anyway we can?

Across the universe from here, there's some neighbourly divine being way too far out of reach. The problem is, my home's a little too comfortable. Ages 19 & 20 are important ages in maturity. I'm a late bloomer. Best not to ruin myself. We all live in a yellow submarine. I'm hopefully still the same.