recall with clarity those days on the bank.


places stay the same. lesson of manhattan
all the best times were inside looking out. acting out the lives of couples at chijmes. squid.

live your life like a work of art. you'd want it to be, wouldn't you?


when people are gone, places.



have stopped writing for a while now. so many reasons. loss of momentum. thoughts piled up therefore not knowing where to start. lack of external stimuli. and the internal stimuli always seems to be the same old shit. too much noise, no time. nothing is new. and i feel i've become such a bad writer anyway.

and so the search for change and something new. to throw self into friends even though intimacy is short in coming. to discover other forms of expression. but i'm getting tired of the search. have pockets of time. need to start somewhere again and feel that this helps.

and when i do this, not for people to read. just a place to lock stuff away so you can use for listening. start from small things, train the muscles again.
i miss europe intensely tonight. it's not the cool nights and the cobblestone streets today. today i miss the anonymity of popping into a museum




dissonance with all this 'meaning of life' stuff.

i am not looking for fucking meaning, or some goal, or some place i can reach the top of.

there is meaning enough around all of us.

my dissonance comes from trying to look for something that isn't there.
phrasing does matter to me.

little girl blue always starts with the tune from good king wenceslas. the version nina has on 'my baby cares for me' goes from this innocence to a maelstorm of keys that you can just lose yourself in. doesn't happen in her other versions.

same with 'for a while' live at ronnie scotts, when she blends into 'if you knew'

the other versions just don't cut it. musical theatre at its best.
for there are only so many sunrises one can watch, anyway

and when you realize, that all these damn books and movies about sunrises, about beautiful things, that all they're ever there about is to haunt you.

then you don't have to be disappointed by them


beautiful sounds collection -- the whirr of the holga when its flash is charging.


"so beautiful night in italy, spain, those"

notes left on my laptop for a week since blogging doesn't gel well with schedule. hmm, yes, they did spend the good deal of 300 years beautifying paris. but this is not about paris. i love amber lights!


i'll be your mirror goes on the playlist FOR IMPORTANT OCCASIONS.

Ill be your mirror

Reflect what you are, in case you dont know
Ill be the wind, the rain and the sunset
The light on your door to show that youre home

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside youre twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
cause I see you

I find it hard to believe you dont know
The beauty that you are
But if you dont let me be your eyes
A hand in your darkness, so you wont be afraid

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside youre twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
cause I see you

Ill be your mirror
what i most fucking miss about london was the sheer anonymity. i loved the cobbled streets. so old so much rain in them. so uneven. so dirty so grimy. velvet underground.
love love love love heathcote williams. kids look away

this is from "broken english"

Whyd ya do it, she said, when you know it makes me sore,
cause she had cobwebs up her fanny and I believe in giving to the poor.
Whyd ya do it, she said, whyd you spit on my snatch ?
Are we out of love now, is this just a bad patch ?

Oh, big grey mother, I love you forever
With your barbed wire pussy and your good and bad weather.
Whyd ya do it, she said, whyd you do what you did ...

ah i feel better now
lots of innovation in between, but always surprised when i see that women in the 60's don't look dated. similar styles of makeup and hair.
you want peace? fine but you don't get the light
miss writing. GOD i want to do something impossibly sweet again. need muse lack one.


my favourite passage in the old testament., 1 kings 19. you can find everything in a whisper. that rather than fire and brimstone and lightning. he is the softest, he is the peace, and he would never dare disturb your sleep. i volunteered to read this passage as a kid. amongst the prophets, i find elijah the closest in spirit and nature to jesus and john the baptist.

have come to believe the old testament is important, even if it doesn't appeal to me. a lot of the narrative, the lessons are about overcoming fear. fear of the iniquities of evil men, walking through the valley of darkness, being sheperded etc... and so often these are the things that we encounter in daily life.

transcendental is to overcome fear and to arrive at peace, regardless of what happens in the valley.

Elijah was afraid [a] and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, 4 while he himself went a day's journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." 5 Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep.
All at once an angel touched him and said, "Get up and eat." 6 He looked around, and there by his head was a cake of bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again. 7 The angel of the LORD came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you." 8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. 9 There he went into a cave and spent the night.

11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

what are you doing here?

in an amusing conversation i had recently, i question: can one choose to be an outcast? or is one simply pre-empting rejection?