deconstructing mythologies, or writing comes back when you write back to something


i just read that clarence is somewhere snorkelling in zanzibar taking a break from the somewhat thankless task of lending a hand to help in africa. the continent seems to suck in its fair share of volunteers, and why not, there is no other place in the world which is made out to be so despondent, so helpless. unfortunately, i am only able to tell from the figures, for neither my course nor my job will put me in such clear and present danger (although i will be doing development economics), and it is debatable if i will ever go to africa given that most of my economics classmates (and more) think africa has the appeal of a dead monkey, unless i happen to do field study for further study, which we all know they don't prescribe anyway. i won't go into the theory.

i miss singapore. yes, that place where i never quite fit in, but where do i fit in anyway. that place, which, is paternalistic, everyone dances in circles and dances the same thing and doesn't accept innovation in dance moves. yes, all very valid and pertinent points.

i cannot help thinking that our psychology is ruled by our pet peeves. (duh!). but, no, what i mean is, it is not weird that you thought all this in zouk. after all, it's your pet gripe, and you will see it everywhere. there is nothing like being out of love to notice how everyone else is getting together like take that again. theories are your cognitive biases. but you identify the following causal linkage, which i don't quite get. 1. singaporeans are superficial 2. therefore they are poseurs 3. therefore they are posing in a circle at zouk. under 2, there is a side point about not being able act differently. the way i see it fitting with the hypothesis, it is because there is a. a set social persona that people are expected to conform and behave to, and that is why everyone slots into their roles and isn't creative.

i've often thought that, until i realize i don't get drunk because of my much referenced problems with alcohol (no, not driving charges, i'm on the other scale.) i always thought when i died that i should give my liver to those caught for drunk driving so that they may never metabolize or enjoy alcohol again, but i digress. so, perhaps i am a poseur for simply turning up at a club and not dancing?

social situations all inevitably bring out an element of posing.

yes the japanese have it bad. but i think they gave the world sushi conveyor belts, sushi, and eating sushi off a naked woman's body. and tempura.

not forgetting copious amounts of creative pron fetish (hahah pron, tempura, get it?) condom vending machines, used underwear vending machines, gigantic walls of colour, anime, the playstation and the final fantasy series. and, the ito integral, just in case you think they're all about fun, and the mitsubishi evo. it didn't dent their creativity, it must be something else.

i agree, that maybe we should take life one day at a time. after all jamaica has it great, and they get to host the cricket world cup from time to time.

work is okay. many people define themselves like that, because a job has labels to it doesn't it? doctor, compassionate or maybe professional, lawyer, eloquent, investment banker, challenging etc. of course, money is the adjective in common. but why bang that? people do not work hard simply to buy stuff, here is the chronology (i am not disputing some people follow the suggested one, but here is an alternative)

oh damn, i'm leaving school. oh fuck fuck what should i do. i went to this good school and all, should think about getting a good job and all, after all, marx says, your job is your status right, esp in this capitalist society. hmm, ok, can choose challenging and hard job lah. but, some jobs work hard also, but also cannot buy LV mahnolo. if need to work hard, might as well choose better paying one right. so said person chooses job.

payday coming. wow. gonna get a lot of money, good good, can spend and reward myself.
payday coming. work so hard, cannot buy anything, prices keep going up.

life is tough.

argument: so you don't need to choose such a tough job. i used to be a socialist, i agreed. but i realised people work tough jobs whether they are paid or not, unless they think their way out of the system, or the system is changed. some people have the opportunity to get pretty slack okay paying jobs, good. but someone needs to do the tough jobs. actually, maybe not finance, maybe the world should just do with less capital and lower returns, less diversification of risk etc but don't correlations go to 1?

say you are looking for hardcore creativity. like making your own stuff, just chilling creative creative stuff. yeah great you have youtube, bloggers, tons of amateur stuff which is nice to look at, (and funny as it is, please, let's not take all art down that route). you need fucking insane people. the very people driven crazy by society, yet feel guilty enough to stick a knife in themselves from time to time. i can say that maybe what they lack is passion, but passion is the wrong word, passion is more like what you feel for your school. a kind of hard up desperation for fame success and immortality, that will destroy and consume you in flames muhaha. you need to be crazy. but crazy isn't chilling out, enjoying yourself. crazy is talking to yourself, crazy is believing you are right all the time, crazy is willing to spend 1000 hours because you think 1000 is a nice number.

anyway, there are lots of non-conformist singaporeans. probably just happened to be at the wrong party, on the wrong day.

i also agree that people shouldn't buy LVs or whatever, but it's a bit mean to say all people. clearly, if you are extraordinarily beautiful, you deserve one, maybe by being a model or something. if you're rich, and i don't mean need days to toil kind of rich, then you should be allowed to buy them too. why it is a violation of one's rights. clearly if i have the top decile of the income distribution concentrated on my hands i should be allowed to spend it. just acquisition and transfer, you know, and the like.

living for the moment, okay, but how is that not hedonistic, or can i call you a poseur too because i have seen you through my psychological pet peeve.

in variation, all things are sweet, said the poet euripides. not so, said aristotle, for just as it is the inferior human being who is prone to variation, so also the nature that needs variation is inferior, since it is not simple or decent.

aristotle is certainly a big fan of boredom (and he practises what he preaches!)

C is for Sleepy

one day, i will type out every single letter of Anscombe's pamphlet, Mr Truman's degree, regardless of legality, since people complain they can't find the text online. In it contains every last drop of sarcasm and wit that I have lost over the past few years used to bitch about various aspects of how the world is unfair. it makes pleasant studying, at least, to see that people can still be so bitingly funny.

as i sit and think, all i run up against is frustration.

my computer is down.
I can't sleep, but there is nothing to do when i can't sleep because i don't have my own computer, so i rely on little raids on Michelle's computer.
She is sleeping now.
My allowances aren't in yet.
My internship posting is left hanging.
I have to study for exams.

so there are 6 negative things hanging over me now, in the immediate present. is there a tense for that. ten-sion.

spring is here. i wonder whether chairman's read blogs. because my friend in the edb has his chairman looking around from time to time. right, public domain and all. i've had it with blogs anyway, there's probably a new wave around. like twitterrific or something.

i cannot how imagine how someone would want to read blogs anyway. look at all the sordid photo whoring, the whining like this, the shrines to once own existence. look at the other hundred thousand youths with enough computers and free time to write. people like you and i. well, alright, some people write well. or about interesting things. that other people exist. that other people younger than you exist. other people like you with pretty legs and being in the sun in singapore, not like the weather isnt good here but there are no beaches.

i would, if i didn't somehow feel guilty about wasting time. i should just eat sleeping pills, of which there is a pack lying around somewhere. but it's such a waste, of this energy, i should be studying except that i've been half doing that all day. and i do not like pills. they frighten me. i wonder what happens if you chew them instead of swallow. part of me worries i have fatal familial insomnia, and how scary that would be, but i relax as i learn i am not 40 and it is only tonight. such irony, all that time wanting to sleep less and here it is i am in someone else's room not wanting to turn on the light or do anything and just wait for tomorrow to come. i have spent a lot of time waiting without a computer, i guess i could survive without it but i just spend so much time thinking blank thoughts.

i am thinking about boats racing on the thames. cambridge won. why? because i checked online.
sleep. i am envious of sleeping people. i should be studying, but i don't want to turn on the light to disturb equilibrium, no, i don't want to study. i have been half doing it all day, the other half a smorgasbord of prison break, cooking and wanting to exercise.

no inspiration to write. wikipedia and blogspot disabled. where will i get my ready supply of knowledge?

on the day you are a joyless, luckless individual. do you want to know how to write well, how to make people feel despondent? i learnt that trick when i was young. have many words, some which may not mean much at all, and put a less behind them. come, try it, repeat after me.

joyless, penniless, homeless, luckless, computerless, sleeplessness (i cheated, there was a ness in there, but it rhymes), motherless, fatherless, faithless, solace.

her profession is her religion, her sin is her lifelessness