It hurts me sometimes when I'm not the person people want me to be.

In general I'd like to be. No matter how much cathartic relief it affords me, saying "fuck it" is just that, "fuck it." I won't pack my bags and fucking fly to Australia and start a farm there.

Logically speaking, there isn't anything wrong with just fucking it. It would probably overstate my importance to the world, that if I decide to laze around and do nothing, that it would cause people around me a great sense of loss. Sure, parents will be disappointed. They'll get over it, and they'll love you anyway. Maybe they'll even love you more.

I'll be honest. Your feedback matters. It hurts when I'm rated 1 on a scale of 1 - 5, where 1 is unsatisfactory and 5 is very good. Is it better than if you shaded 3's all the way? I don't know. Any feedback/comments? I'd follow it. In some ways, I judge myself by other people's standards. I'm always helping other people rate myself. I mean, if you criticize my character, of course I'm not going to change in front you straightaway, lest you feel that berating my character gets you somewhere, but deep down gosh I'm just bloody ruined and I wanna change, albeit slowly, because I don't know I just don't lurch from side to side.

There are some things I will never be. I think I realise that more acutely now. Like if I'm a quiet person, that can change. It's merely a change in quality, and requires probably that bit more energy. Can be done. Not enough initiative. Okay, work harder, can be done. Insufficient eye for detail. Can be done, of course with limits to the way my mind has been trained to operate.

Be more aggressive. Well. Let's see. Okay. I'm no pacifist. If you raped my sister I would shoot you. Okay even if I don't really hate you I would still shoot you under some circumstances.

I see it in me sometimes. When playing soccer, I guess I hate to lose and I tend to get really pissed off in games. And if I'm in game mode and I need to do something then well I do it.

It's when the reality between game and life is blurred. The notion that life is a game, that we must compete and win. Gosh, I'm not saying that I'm all Mr. Take - It - Easy, Mr. Oh I don't Really Give a Fuck, Mr Cool, Mr Natural. I'm just saying that in a cut-throat world, I may not survive. If you put me in a communist world, where eveyrhting was subsumed to one ultimate aim, I would probably be quite a good bureaucrat. They may probably give me a few medals to appreciate my contributions to the Fatherland.

But it's when it comes to proving I'm better. I can't do that. I can't write an essay selling myself to save the world. Take my blog. Show it to any prospective employer. It'll be like oh shit this pussy wimp can't even take care of himself. Sometimes I wonder what life would be if I didn't read so much.

I've been so sold into dignity and human worth and blah blah that I no longer believe it matters to prove you're better than the next person. To tell the truth I don't really like competition in real life, how it makes some people behave. I'm just turned off sometimes. But I mean who likes feeling lousier than others. The trick is to win right? But I can't shed this BHB thing about winning, and I think maybe it's too much shit in the bible about rich people going to hell and last going first that I have a mentality so last is ok?, underdog is ok?, and I pay less attention the the fact that maybe winning really matters in this wortld? That you get the girl if you have a bigger cock or you don't curse so much. And if you loved her more.

Am I fucking wrong or what? Cause if I'm misguided tell me. I really just feel like turning into a big fat fucker who doesn't really care how you feel. But I'm just saying it. I'll never be it. You can't fucking fight 19 years of naivety. I just feel like I've got cum in my eye (though I'd really like to know how that feels, but it just sounds so wicked ain't it.) I think I'll reserve that phrase to sub "too much of a good thing". You're so fucking stim that you cum in your eye. yeah haha. cursing makes me feel macho and less androgynous. oh yeah feel my muscles. my biceps. i need to rut now. where's my damn heifer.