A response

I just logged on to my blog the other day and I saw all the comments. In all honesty, as you may see, I haven't been updating my blog. It's perhaps better like that.

You know, in the army I recently handled a case where someone posted his frustrations regarding the army on his blog. And since he was already in trouble with the army, they decided to add that as a charge again him. Personally, I felt it was ridiculous to fish something out like that but you can't argue with the fact that it was on the net and on public domain. I still feel it's ridiculous though to fish these things out when you're not even meant to read them (so why is it on the net? i will come to that later"

Ok, I guess it's right for you to question why I should bare my "innermost" thoughts and feelings on the internet. But before that, I guess I should have a bit of perspective. I can count the number of people who know my blog address on one hand. Ok, except for the time when I used this website to post details about the Bali trip. But I didn't expect them to return, after all, there shouldn't be anything of particular interest about them. Apart from that, I only told Clarence my blog address, lip knows from the bali thing, and maybe i told michelle, the rest happened to blissfully stumble upon it, i think, and alex added a link to my blog which i don't approve of (do you see any links to other blogs on my site?) if i have left you out, do let me know. and if you notice i write a lot of stuff for my own reference (you can't have understood the camel entry) and i just happen to prefer typing than diaries which i never have the patience to sit down to write, and it being on the net... well. i can access it anywhere, and it won't go with my hard drive. fine, excuses, whatever.

If you ask Clarence, my close friend, I have always had reservations about blogging. I like writing, but myself I have experiences of reading other's blog's and it's uncomfortable. Especially when you know some people well, and you read emotions and stuff or the stuff they do and you think, gosh that's complete bullcrap, or you just don't agree with what they say.

Sometimes it's too much info. you don't wanna think about say your nice friend who's all nice and all who's really a slut in bed and you wake up and think about them being fucked from the rear like a real slut. (it's a bit of an exaggeration, but yes i do think this way) But these are all dramatisations, reactions, and sometimes we attach a bit too much imagination to it.

Because in all honesty, we are strangers to the emotion that is written. We see the sex is written, but we cannot feel the love that exists between the amorous pair, the emotion that elevates it from crassness to beauty. We are not part of that link, we are shut out of it, and we are left with the desolate mindscape of whatever emotion it is that exists that gets us to read other people's blogs and we imagine the worst. When the only think that is bad about it is that I don't understand, or I cannot feel what you feel.

If my posts are broken-hearted, I apologise. I do not feel they are. They are sentimental, I feel. That's because some of my fantasies are of the past. The past is an easy place because everything happened so well, and I needn't have to worry about it. If it's a distinction that doesn't make sense, fine. and i feel, that i am a slightly quieter person than others, though you may be quieter than me (i don't know). and there are times when i feel alone, and sentimentality fills those little cracks. i'm glad for my friends and i'm glad that i'm not falling into a crevasse of loneliness.

even shakespeare's antonio's (merchant of venice, tempest), know not why they are so sad. not the portly argosies, but i guess some weird choler sometimes. that's why it's melancholy sometimes.

But I have always endeavoured never to tell people, "I am lonely", "I am sad", leaving them with little other response such as "oh, i feel your pain", or "hey, it's ok, try to be more happy". Many of the quotes on this blog I have posted because they portray an emotion so well. And all of us feel emotions, regardless of the enormity of the cause of them.

I do have happy emotions, don't I? wow i'm sorry if i don't laugh on my blog.

Am I exhibitionist? If I am, then perhaps all of my work in becoming the cool, calm person who betrays little emotion is coming to nought, in which case I had better work harder. Okay. maybe in writing, I do feel I am slightly better in writing (in English) than others. Allow me that, to compensate for the various fields in which I feel rather inferior in.

It would be very unfair to say my loved ones don't see the genuine/raw side of me. Yes, I hide so much. when you see a dying person, you maintain your happy face and don't wonder aloud how much suffering they are going through. you let slip sometimes, but other times you're playing a role. my parents see me as i am sometimes and they are happy, or they are sad, and maybe they would slap me if i got out of hand. I ahve always maintained a respect for my parents, and knowing I live with them everyday, don't wish to offend them, otherwise i would have walked out of the house so many times. I don't wish to offend them, i don't feel i love them less.

and i do some things which disagree with them which i find agree with myself. some things i can tell, some things i don't, because it would lead to so much ill-will, for things i find really trivial.

I'm sure you mean well in your criticism, and you were wondering aloud. I hope you don't let my blog get to you, and i'm not going to post much anyway

about my writing. first. it is unfair to say antoine de saint-exupery is "incoherent". It's "incomprehensible", if you don't understand french (fair enough), but incoherence is a charge which betrays the huge amount of time taken to write that para for him, i guess.

secondly, yah... all the stuff you think about the boot is cool, but i don't watch alias and people who know me know i don't idolise spies and stuff. i like clerics, thieves and mages, and uma thurman, and jackie chan. and young as restless, cliche as it may be. I am simply the heroes I worship in these things. it would be cool if you were in the boot and thinking those thoughts, but it was me and that was what i idealized myself to be. but in reality, i was a sweaty, stupid, silly guy, but that is in no way appealing to me.

lastly. my blog represents only a small part of what i am, and a certain time (usually when i am free enough to come back to blog). it captures not the moments of me being stressed, or half or quarter or and eightieth of what i think about every day. so you can judge me based on it but it's not fair. and i'm not the kind of guy who doesn't care what others think of me. a bit, sometimes, but i do.