so when people ask you, which type of woman do you go for, it really confuses me. but i've thought long and hard about this. i think i need someone with a vocal range between alto and tenor. i want to hear a fucking human voice. on the fucking phone. so i think this staying up thing is not working out for me, when someone is not staying over. you see beauty fades, and maybe voices do, those soprano ones, but if you have a sexy, smoky alto/tenor voice that can dip into baritones, that lasts quite a bit. maybe i do subconsciously pick people based on how they sound. i don't really need to see your face. i just want to hear you.
when i see kevin spacey caress a new car as these things go through his head before he dies, i realize yeah these things are really important actually. the smell of a new car. bubble wrap. the sound of a fender plugged into a human amp. sensation. love is but a variety. aaah to think that i once thought it was a critique of materialism. SENSATION IS SPIRITUALITY. youtube loves us all, all the children of the world.
to buy a telecaster and hear it piped through my amp. these 3 voices ok i want somebody who sounds like this. ok... now i need one sound. none of all this post production stuff. i'm stupid, i can focus only on one sound at a time. there's a time for bruch's violin concerto when everything is ONE SOUND but many instruments but that's still too much. ONE SOUND. this is why people needn't shoot themselves in the face. just focus on the ONE SOUND.
i need reverb.
this is too much of an apology for being away. looks nothing like ronnie scotts nowadays
aaah fuck yeah yeah come on another one.
5/29/2009
5/26/2009
5/25/2009
bottled sunrise - simple pleasures
jacob's creek for 2 at sunrise. yes, bleedin sunrise, the sun rises so early now that 4.30 in the morning is sunrise.
5/24/2009
Odd, one might say, for a climber who's made a life of venturing alone to the world's most dangerous mountains. But if you soften him up, Messner will tell you that his life has been a struggle, in part, to overcome his fear of solitude.
"I was trying my whole life to be able to handle it," Messner tells me during one of our talks. "I am not made for lonely expeditions. In the sixties, I climbed during the day so I wouldn't have to be alone. I finally learned to stay up for weeks in the high altitude all by my own without being afraid."
----
this guy climbed everest solo carrying whatever oxygen he needed in a backpack. Messner later described feeling as though he were "nothing more than a single narrow, gasping lung, floating over the mists and summits."
"I was trying my whole life to be able to handle it," Messner tells me during one of our talks. "I am not made for lonely expeditions. In the sixties, I climbed during the day so I wouldn't have to be alone. I finally learned to stay up for weeks in the high altitude all by my own without being afraid."
----
this guy climbed everest solo carrying whatever oxygen he needed in a backpack. Messner later described feeling as though he were "nothing more than a single narrow, gasping lung, floating over the mists and summits."
5/22/2009
reply to borges
if i were to live my life again,
i would do precisely none of those things,
because i knew i would have the chance to
live my life again, and in so knowing
simply delay my gratification.
why do it now? i'd be alive again tomorrow.
i'd rather sleep and dream thank you.
but you get the point, poets are full of ifs and buts.
as the shutter rolls down on your days.
just get off your fucking butt
and get something done.
-----
postscript: if i could live life again, i would spend more time with linear algebra.
i would do precisely none of those things,
because i knew i would have the chance to
live my life again, and in so knowing
simply delay my gratification.
why do it now? i'd be alive again tomorrow.
i'd rather sleep and dream thank you.
but you get the point, poets are full of ifs and buts.
as the shutter rolls down on your days.
just get off your fucking butt
and get something done.
-----
postscript: if i could live life again, i would spend more time with linear algebra.
5/21/2009
instantes
i remember one of my kinder neighbours in london, michaelangelo. he ran a jorge luis borges literary foundation. being a person who knew how to enjoy life, he could always be counted on to lend us implements of pleasure such as a corkscrew to open our wine bottles with, because jingxiang and i would always buy bottles of wine but not the corkscrew. he would ask us out for dinner and tell us about the history of this or that building. since i am still able to continue living my life the advice might be useful yet.
i think i just need to take people less seriously... they are, people, you know, like you and me. they deserve to be happy, they deserve to get hurt, they will make me happy and they will disappoint me. at least the travel part will not be a problem for me=p.
instantes - translated
If I were able to live my life again,
next time I would try to make more mistakes.
I would not try to be so perfect. I would be more relaxed.
I would be much more foolish than I have been. In fact,
I would take very few things seriously.
I would be much less sanitary.
I would run more risks. I would take more trips,
I would contemplate more sunsets,
I would climb more mountains,
I would swim more rivers.
I would go to more places I have never visited.
I would eat more ice cream and fewer beans.
I would have more real problems, fewer imaginary ones.
i think i just need to take people less seriously... they are, people, you know, like you and me. they deserve to be happy, they deserve to get hurt, they will make me happy and they will disappoint me. at least the travel part will not be a problem for me=p.
instantes - translated
If I were able to live my life again,
next time I would try to make more mistakes.
I would not try to be so perfect. I would be more relaxed.
I would be much more foolish than I have been. In fact,
I would take very few things seriously.
I would be much less sanitary.
I would run more risks. I would take more trips,
I would contemplate more sunsets,
I would climb more mountains,
I would swim more rivers.
I would go to more places I have never visited.
I would eat more ice cream and fewer beans.
I would have more real problems, fewer imaginary ones.
5/19/2009
5/18/2009
i am going to post something mathematical for once today. if you are bored you can try one of my easier exam questions:
Suppose one is an Allied intelligence analyst during World War II and one has some serial numbers of captured German tanks. Further, assume that the tanks are numbered sequentially from 1 to N. How does one estimate the total number of tanks?
Suppose one is an Allied intelligence analyst during World War II and one has some serial numbers of captured German tanks. Further, assume that the tanks are numbered sequentially from 1 to N. How does one estimate the total number of tanks?
5/17/2009
just speaking plainly
when i was 6 to 7 years younger i used to think that i was very bad with love. i was the sort of person who would never remember birthdays, never send christmas cards, never express how much i loved people. when you are very bad at something, and you realize it, the temptation sometimes can be not to try. i'm bad at math. fuck maths, who needs math. i was so grateful for a change of environment, a chance to remake who i was, where nobody remembers your old mistakes. i think i got the confidence once more to try these things, where i had gone wrong in the past.
i think i tried harder but as i look back it astonishes me how much i would sometimes lapse back into old habits. i feel i have acquitted myself better the past few years but not enough. so the temptation is there, to chuck it, to withdraw into myself again. i let my mood overwhelm me, and once again i find myself thinking, i need to be in a different place. and why i get so worried at night is that i fear that once again i might become a person who doesn't care about birthdays, doesn't care about what goes on in other people's lives, if i am not already a person like that. i look at great amazement and respect at people who manage to pick themselves up time after time again, and wonder why for me the temptation is always to chuck it all away and run to some other corner of the globe. it is as if suddenly i believe my own stories, that i am cain again, always jealous of abel, branded and undeserving, un-vegetarian, going to travel the world alone, never to pass on my family line which eventually leads to jesus. for i am unwilling to be bent too far out of shape, although i try and i compromise, but i fear that the dark undercurrents, some of my negativity will always consume any investment in positive relationships that i try to accomplish.
anyway, i think i will try. i will try not to let my mood overwhelm me, for a start. i think to learn to speak plainly again, sans cynicism, sans bitterness. of course i am terrified. there's a lot of that out there, a lot of teasing and casual cynicism which i no doubt contribute to myself, thinking that if the world cannot be perfect, then god damned i will be rebel without a cause.
to open up, to say these things, not to worry if people think you are emo kid. to let go, to be vulnerable again. because the prize i get for being bitter is but a consolation prize, sweet though it is. you have never wanted to see yourself at 40 being jaded and disconsolate but have forgotten that in taking things so seriously maybe you already are at 24. not to force yourself to laugh or be happier than you truly are, but when you do laugh, let it chime like the wind.
yes, to worry if people are out to get you or manipulate you or feel like a fool. people like that do exist. and if they are good at what they do then you might never know. to have standards for people, and try to meet them for yourself. to look at them and to judge, and to be forgiving if they fail. give them the benefit of the doubt, because people are different and many mean no harm. integrity is something that might be chipped away, and every lie i tell does that. nice guys sometimes finish last. to accept that and still try to finish first. to look at oneself and to realize when one is being impossible or unreasonable. to fess up to one's failures. and while you may not agree with everything your parents say, the fact is that they have given you a core with which to approach life. while you question if their values are out of sync with this world, you look at other approaches of your contemporaries and you know that they are not yours either. you can accept them, but they are not yours. and so the center must hold, and we must defy yeats. and agree with robbie williams:
"go easy on my conscience, cause it's not my fault. i know i've been taught, to take the blame"
be a better man. not to worry about sounding self-righteous, because it is better than sounding like someone who just wants the world to collapse, though it might ring true. hypocrisy is but the price we have to pay to create a bubble worth living for, on this earth of dust and wind.
and even if people have said things a million times, say them again. to nag like a mother, if a mother is all you can be. every line that comes out of your mouth doesn't need to be original, doesn't need to be strange, doesn't need to interest yourself the way you wish other people's words would interest you. everybody is different. challenge yourself. speak not of changing the world. if people just want to fuck, then fuck. if people want to love, then love. in a few days you might no doubt feel horrible again. i have known myself for too long. but try your best not to consume those around you that you love.
of course, i look at my contemporaries and sometimes think, maybe i should be tough like them. how perfectly logical they are. and i never discount them, i always want to know what makes them tick. i wonder if being like that entails a loss of meaning of some sort, a meaning i am loathe to be rid off, like some casting off of pattern, colour, shape or form. i don't know who is right, and while i respect such abilities, i seem not to have been able to achieve such mastery. there is no guarantee that anyone else is right, anyway, and paradoxically enough, i think in this aspect of my life i am most secure. i am not touting security as a virtue, but this core within me i cannot doubt. maybe a few more bad experiences might shake it a little more, and finally turn me into the seen-it-all person who knows how the world works, sees through the mist and grabs it by the throat. but for now i still don't know the answers, so i will get by on faith, thank you very much.
i think i tried harder but as i look back it astonishes me how much i would sometimes lapse back into old habits. i feel i have acquitted myself better the past few years but not enough. so the temptation is there, to chuck it, to withdraw into myself again. i let my mood overwhelm me, and once again i find myself thinking, i need to be in a different place. and why i get so worried at night is that i fear that once again i might become a person who doesn't care about birthdays, doesn't care about what goes on in other people's lives, if i am not already a person like that. i look at great amazement and respect at people who manage to pick themselves up time after time again, and wonder why for me the temptation is always to chuck it all away and run to some other corner of the globe. it is as if suddenly i believe my own stories, that i am cain again, always jealous of abel, branded and undeserving, un-vegetarian, going to travel the world alone, never to pass on my family line which eventually leads to jesus. for i am unwilling to be bent too far out of shape, although i try and i compromise, but i fear that the dark undercurrents, some of my negativity will always consume any investment in positive relationships that i try to accomplish.
anyway, i think i will try. i will try not to let my mood overwhelm me, for a start. i think to learn to speak plainly again, sans cynicism, sans bitterness. of course i am terrified. there's a lot of that out there, a lot of teasing and casual cynicism which i no doubt contribute to myself, thinking that if the world cannot be perfect, then god damned i will be rebel without a cause.
to open up, to say these things, not to worry if people think you are emo kid. to let go, to be vulnerable again. because the prize i get for being bitter is but a consolation prize, sweet though it is. you have never wanted to see yourself at 40 being jaded and disconsolate but have forgotten that in taking things so seriously maybe you already are at 24. not to force yourself to laugh or be happier than you truly are, but when you do laugh, let it chime like the wind.
yes, to worry if people are out to get you or manipulate you or feel like a fool. people like that do exist. and if they are good at what they do then you might never know. to have standards for people, and try to meet them for yourself. to look at them and to judge, and to be forgiving if they fail. give them the benefit of the doubt, because people are different and many mean no harm. integrity is something that might be chipped away, and every lie i tell does that. nice guys sometimes finish last. to accept that and still try to finish first. to look at oneself and to realize when one is being impossible or unreasonable. to fess up to one's failures. and while you may not agree with everything your parents say, the fact is that they have given you a core with which to approach life. while you question if their values are out of sync with this world, you look at other approaches of your contemporaries and you know that they are not yours either. you can accept them, but they are not yours. and so the center must hold, and we must defy yeats. and agree with robbie williams:
"go easy on my conscience, cause it's not my fault. i know i've been taught, to take the blame"
be a better man. not to worry about sounding self-righteous, because it is better than sounding like someone who just wants the world to collapse, though it might ring true. hypocrisy is but the price we have to pay to create a bubble worth living for, on this earth of dust and wind.
and even if people have said things a million times, say them again. to nag like a mother, if a mother is all you can be. every line that comes out of your mouth doesn't need to be original, doesn't need to be strange, doesn't need to interest yourself the way you wish other people's words would interest you. everybody is different. challenge yourself. speak not of changing the world. if people just want to fuck, then fuck. if people want to love, then love. in a few days you might no doubt feel horrible again. i have known myself for too long. but try your best not to consume those around you that you love.
of course, i look at my contemporaries and sometimes think, maybe i should be tough like them. how perfectly logical they are. and i never discount them, i always want to know what makes them tick. i wonder if being like that entails a loss of meaning of some sort, a meaning i am loathe to be rid off, like some casting off of pattern, colour, shape or form. i don't know who is right, and while i respect such abilities, i seem not to have been able to achieve such mastery. there is no guarantee that anyone else is right, anyway, and paradoxically enough, i think in this aspect of my life i am most secure. i am not touting security as a virtue, but this core within me i cannot doubt. maybe a few more bad experiences might shake it a little more, and finally turn me into the seen-it-all person who knows how the world works, sees through the mist and grabs it by the throat. but for now i still don't know the answers, so i will get by on faith, thank you very much.
chasing links again
"when i was a child, i spoke as a child
i understood as a child, i thought as a child
but when i became a man,
i put childish things away."
1 corinthians 13:11, from T.I's music video, "dead and gone"
hat tip to bonnie's msn
"lemme kick it to ya right quick man, not some gangsta shit man on some real shit."
"when i was a child, i spoke as a child
i understood as a child, i thought as a child
but when i became a man,
i put childish things away."
1 corinthians 13:11, from T.I's music video, "dead and gone"
hat tip to bonnie's msn
"lemme kick it to ya right quick man, not some gangsta shit man on some real shit."
those of you who know me will know that recently i've been trying to burn books and destroy the power of the written or spoken word. but a coursemate recently quoted the great gatsby:
"gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter -- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further...
so we beat on, boats against the current borne back ceaselessly into the past""
ok, now i can consign this to the dustbin of history.
"gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter -- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further...
so we beat on, boats against the current borne back ceaselessly into the past""
ok, now i can consign this to the dustbin of history.
sunny wong in my office
5pm class. the guardian of connaught house looks over me
aiyagari
usual view from d703. morning class. london on a cloudy day. st paul's and royal courst of justice
comforting morning ritual to soothe pre-class nerves and the fact that i have to wake up so early. class notes, for my last revision class (seignorage). jam croissant. tea.
kingsway junction
they ripped the guts out of the building but decided to leave the facade for conservation purposes. practical.
5/15/2009
death of a penguin - iphone
condolence messages include, as expected, :
"penguin, there was always something I wanted to tell you."
"miss you penguin and hope you are happy with new friends."
re 1st msg: you should never have left it so late. you thought a concrete statue weighing half a ton would always be there didn't you.
re 2nd msg: i hope you are happy too, and please move on.
this is the lse penguin. it was hacked off and stolen, again.
http://www.mylifeisg.com/
http://www.mylifeisaverage.com/
http://mylifeiscrap.com/
my faith in humanity is restored. my favourites
"today i had a test. i needed a pencil, i had a pen. i asked the girl next to me and she lent me a pen. MLIA"
" Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She yelled out the name Tommy. My name is Tommy. MLIA"
"i watched my young puppy discover her reflection in the pool. MLIG"
http://www.mylifeisaverage.com/
http://mylifeiscrap.com/
my faith in humanity is restored. my favourites
"today i had a test. i needed a pencil, i had a pen. i asked the girl next to me and she lent me a pen. MLIA"
" Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She yelled out the name Tommy. My name is Tommy. MLIA"
"i watched my young puppy discover her reflection in the pool. MLIG"
5/13/2009
5/12/2009
advice from the street
i take it all too well. my remote control ended up in the laundry.
but it's good advice.
postscript: it is a good thing the engineers of the world didn't erase theirs. my remote works even though it's been dumped in laundry. it's now simply cleaner, after letting it dry for a bit
"i always knew what the right path was. without exception. but i never took it, you know why? because it was too damn hard."
un final reñido yo no vuelvo a ver,
pero si algún pingo llega a ser fija el domingo,
yo me juego entero, qué le voy a hacer.
Cuántos desengaños, por una cabeza,
yo juré mil veces, no vuelvo a insistir,
pero si un mirar me hiere al pasar,
su boca de fuego, otra vez, quiero besar.
yo juré mil veces, no vuelvo a insistir,
pero si un mirar me hiere al pasar,
su boca de fuego, otra vez, quiero besar.
Basta de carreras, se acabó la timba,
un final reñido yo no vuelvo a ver,
pero si algún pingo llega a ser fija el domingo,
yo me juego entero, qué le voy a hacer.
5/09/2009
huzzah bitches
little sluts, if you've been naughty, i'm coming to get you and visit you a world of pain. i'm watching you.
5/07/2009
i was waiting for sunny on the way to chelsea vs barca. if you don't recognize this place it's outside the new academic building, on the junction near lincoln's inn fields.
dissertation handed in... no more unbalanced time series
yes, no more unbalanced time series
no more caffeine. less msn. thank you friends for chatting to me while i was proofreading.
you can see i was reading about the great western railway. that's right, that's me, thinking of getting on a train somewhere again.
more of this. this is fun. guitar hero.
happiest day in 2 months
nope not my dissertation... that was a minor contributory factor, but will be in next post. sunny can attest to my happiness. so happy i almost got into a fight.
i don't know how long the link will stay active. when iniesta scored i had a primal scream. i had spent the whole 82 minutes since essien scored in a constant state of frustration. yeah, chelsea worked harder, they were organized better and for the most part they had better chances although robbed is a strong word for me, the press here has an english bias. was biting my nails then iniesta scored.... "YESSSS! COME ON!" 93rd minute. look how they put 4-5 people on messi. they're crazy... and yeah, the commentators exhortations to allah are well deserved.
the bald, middle aged chelsea fan opposite was really annoyed. he called me a cunt and told me to sit the fuck down. seriously, in front of his kid. is it because i'm asian? fuck you. i said no you sit the fuck down. stare off ensued. really really childish... sit the fuck down continued for a while, then chelsea has a corner. i was scared shitless they would score with all their tall people and he would come over and gloat in my face. but anyway i stopped screaming after a while and just clenched my fist and kept pumping it in silent delight. seriously, i'm just here to watch a fucking match, i've been suffering for 82 minutes and i can't show some damn emotion? fuck you. i don't give a shit who deserves to win. in my book, any team that is patient enough to string 20-30 passes just to create some space when there are 10 men behind the ball i like. think about all the combined one touch training they needed. i'm sorry your team didn't win... i'm sorry drogba and anelka kept hauling themselves down to the floor. i wouldn't begrudge it if you did, i'd just be frustrated. but god... the vindication... this way works. this way of living works. or it works sometimes. patience sometimes wins. it's not about football anymore, it's about how you live your life. best match ever this season. even better than any liverpool match. tremendous respect for barcelona 1 man down and still chasing and pressing and passing.
fuck all of you, seriously.
i don't know how long the link will stay active. when iniesta scored i had a primal scream. i had spent the whole 82 minutes since essien scored in a constant state of frustration. yeah, chelsea worked harder, they were organized better and for the most part they had better chances although robbed is a strong word for me, the press here has an english bias. was biting my nails then iniesta scored.... "YESSSS! COME ON!" 93rd minute. look how they put 4-5 people on messi. they're crazy... and yeah, the commentators exhortations to allah are well deserved.
the bald, middle aged chelsea fan opposite was really annoyed. he called me a cunt and told me to sit the fuck down. seriously, in front of his kid. is it because i'm asian? fuck you. i said no you sit the fuck down. stare off ensued. really really childish... sit the fuck down continued for a while, then chelsea has a corner. i was scared shitless they would score with all their tall people and he would come over and gloat in my face. but anyway i stopped screaming after a while and just clenched my fist and kept pumping it in silent delight. seriously, i'm just here to watch a fucking match, i've been suffering for 82 minutes and i can't show some damn emotion? fuck you. i don't give a shit who deserves to win. in my book, any team that is patient enough to string 20-30 passes just to create some space when there are 10 men behind the ball i like. think about all the combined one touch training they needed. i'm sorry your team didn't win... i'm sorry drogba and anelka kept hauling themselves down to the floor. i wouldn't begrudge it if you did, i'd just be frustrated. but god... the vindication... this way works. this way of living works. or it works sometimes. patience sometimes wins. it's not about football anymore, it's about how you live your life. best match ever this season. even better than any liverpool match. tremendous respect for barcelona 1 man down and still chasing and pressing and passing.
fuck all of you, seriously.
5/04/2009
resolution
i need to wear my specs more often from now on. my right eyesight is visibly deteriorating
5/03/2009
we had the most awesome music classes when i was in acps. yeah there were the fair share of recorder lessons. but we all got to pick our songs and bring them to class. and rightly or wrongly the cranberries were the biggest thing in P5 and the first CDs most of us bought. nope, i didn't pick this... i think i picked another song off them
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