A break from the usual programming

Alright, this is not about the trip. I'm sorry... trip updates have to wait.

I was at 'Diagnostic Radiology' this afternoon, waiting for an expert to pass judgement on me. Red light on, red light off. Please do not enter when the red light is on, with a big menacing radiological sign on the door. I like the name of that 'diagnostic radiology'. It is part of the millions of phrases that dance around my head, reminding me i am alive and i am living in a world of labels.

The resident radiologist didn't look local, but she was friendly and professional. She would tell me if I was ok. And I was.

I go through moods ocasionally, triggered by conversation with like-minded souls while watching the world go by, where you can take a step back and ask yourself questions. oh no, not more self reflection!

i'm perhaps too closed and never speak my mind, maybe always diplomatic answers. yes i have plenty of inhibitions, i'm not my own person sometimes and i can't say "fuck the rest of you all, i'm going it my way."

but deep down (ah yes, geography of the heart now isn't it?), where as commonly believed the core radiates with an inner heat, i know i really hate some things, and find many others laughable or pitiful. i'm building on those long bus rides overnights where you realise the same thoughts in your life keep recurring, and i'm sorry if it's boring but i'm afraid it's going to have to dominate your agenda?

if i open it up, and i show you "principles." it isn't pretty. principles are sometimes ugly on the outside. you can take mine and poke little holes into it, or hang it out to the sun to dry, where it becomes a raisin?
(what happens to a dream deferred?)

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

And if you want me to be honest then yes there's so much I have to hate about the world today. Langston Hughes, thank you. To all the bad people in the world, who I have so hated and not said anything about:

I hate it that people can do so much wrong and get away with it. No, i'm not even talking about big oil or big industry exploiting workers or any of that bullshit. I hate it that things are so impermanent, ephemeral (fuck not that word again), that so much bullshit goes under the cover of individualism and making the most out of life, that you take these excuses without the quotation marks and put it through that meat grinder of a brain together with your morality until you start dripping in your self-centredness.

me me me. fuck.

i hate money, not because it makes you rich, but just because you think you have it you can bury me in lawyers and what not and i could never touch you. no i'm not broke either. i know i would just hate it if you used all that extra money you had to fuck around with me.

i hate these words which will betray me to serve another more beguiling master who will use it to cover their lack of substance.

i hate people who mess around with people and think they can get away with it because they're young and it's okay because they're supposed to be stupid when they're young.

i don't mind if you mess around with yourself though. doesn't concern me.

urgh. i hate all the SHIT that is sold in this world. i hate hip-hop, people being "true to the music", and people who tell other people that they should be free. individualism, fuck off? who're you asking to be free? in fact, i'm going to be an adolescent party-pooper and scream FAKE!!!!

i talk to so many people and i just respect some of them but gosh some of them just infuriate me.

in the end... what is life? did you will yourself to be born into the world? no? so why is this life yours and what right does it give you to fuck around with others? responsibility free?

i can't... i just can't... ghosts say: be like me, who roam the world, who take from the world but give nothing to it.

be a ghost, floating around. that's responsibility free.

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