i'm just dying, not dead

aren't we all. i seriously question the need to deadpan at a time like this.

just thought it was appropriate since i've been away. well. i guess, activities wise, i could say that i'm in a pre-easter lull. had fun modelling at malaysian singapore night. spent most of my time chatting and going out and thinking about the finer points of the opposite sex. in short, being distracted.

i met vivian who chose to define herself by being different. good for her, except that means everyone else is boring. that always gives me a bit of discomfort. anyway, our conversation centred mainly on drugs. but i won't elaborate too much on that except that i left feeling a distinct sadness (or helplessness). that's why i ended up not going to the japanese society party. i guess i didn't want to be part of it.

i came back and i had my 2046 and chungking express there for me, which i was reminded of thanks to a casual comment by clarence which triggered my memories. i am easily moved to impulse sometimes, really. i went through the dialoguey parts. at the same time, i was there frantically being asked about the france trip (oh no, more planning, why are vacations like work?) and preparing for amsterdam, laundry, etc. at the same time seppo asked me about eh tips and homework. exam timetables are out and i need to arrange internship dates. alex was in my room, both of us helping lip out so he cna get the girl of his dreams. it's pretty classless to bitch about it, but i shall. i guess i didn't mind letting out my room, and i still don't, otherwise why would i, but understand, it's a hassle. it's not easy. and i'm rarely that nice nowadays. i am now keyless and cardless, so please don't rob my room. honestly, i feel helpless, but it's not the end of the world.

i don't know if this belongs on blogs, given that i know some people have a distaste for them. so anonymity, whatever. i sort of snapped today. i barked back and was really sarcastic. i would like to think it's cause i was busy, and it ruined my grand plan to watch dvds (which brings me back to why i'm reluctant to go tripping, no sorry, go on a trip, because i have things here to settle. i don't mean work, though i did stay till 4 doing that last night, which left me snappy. not your fault, i know, i was just trying to stay on track). has london changed me? not really. age has. blame it on age. please don't blame it on the fact that i'm in london and 30,000 miles away. i really mean the fact that perspective matters. maybe i should just listen, as i did, all those years ago. i listen less well, nowadays, and i'm probably a bit more selfish. not like i was always a giver. but never have i felt more strongly that people determine their own fate. that you can blame god, your circumstances, you can bitch about them, but it changes not one iota of what has to be done. well. speaking out your principles is always dangerous. they often come back flying at you. so. understand. everyone feels lonely. you've probably done a better job dealing with it than i have. but perspective. what do i know about perspective. i know that we are sufferable people. i know we can take shit. i don't have a broken family nor have i only known rejection all my life. my life is not colourful and i may not know shit about perspective. but it matters. i feel down, everyone feels down. but from there to empty is a big leap. and it's a problematic one. please don't expect me to have the model answers.

but you know i told you the good stuff. there's more. richard dawkins came today and i expected him to launch into polemics about religion. but he was humble and he cleverly chose to dwell on the less controversial parts of science, like how amazing biodiversity is (then again, communication is manipulation, according to him, so maybe he's just playing us, given he has a book to sell.) but he ended on the right note. we can triumph against the tyranny (of our genes).

that's not what i came here to say. did you know that in most of the pictures of alice (in wonderland), she never smiles? i always thought she was a happy girl. but she seems struck by an especially poignant sadness, especially when she meets the knights. (something about girls and knights in armour). but i guess it was the speed with which she had to grow up. well, i came across it again in fun and games (my text on game theory), and it was cheerfully written and contained plenty of poker tips, which i must admit help me.

so (and this is my defense against alex's comment on why knowing that red monopoly squares make the most profit statistically ruins the game). it doesn't. if you've played poker, you know there's so much you can raise your game too. it stops you from doing stupid things, and it brings people to a higher level, at least they won't do stupid things like play every hand. and when everyone's on that level, it still works. cause there's chance. there's how you read people. these are not bounded by simple rational choice. but rational thinking lets you become better by understanding that randomizing works. and just because everyone can think rationally doesn't mean that everything works like that. we can't, in life, we almost always trade off rationality and speed. that's why we hardly do optimal stuff most of the time. we can rebel against our tyranny. the rationality-speed trade-off is in itself a rational trade-off. no one is suggesting that we always play by the rules, but you can't unlearn something. maybe we shouldn't reduce everything into little pieces, i have never tried to do that, but theory is useful sometimes. but that was moot. really. the heart was the middle.

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