My journals tend to be a little introspective. Well, I'm feeling so today anyway. There is much beauty to be beheld in the lone star shining way up high above my window, but I cannot indulge in it. Life is filled with so much minutae, it would seem almost chaotic without any clear vision. I'm not an especially clear-sighted person anyway. Why do I always address someone in my journals? Perhaps it's a need to be listened, without bothering anyone.
Maybe football does help. This holiday filled less with melancholy ennui, and more excitement, stupid or whatever. There are lots of things to be depressed about for a teenager, loneliness, stress, self-esteem, but they all take their root from an uncertain angst about the future. "Happy? If not now, then never." It is possible to be happy and content with what one is now, there shouldn't be any shame in that. But in the enthusiastic eroticism of our youth, we tend to overplay problems too far in the future. "Que Sera Sera." At least that is the philosophy that I try to subscribe to now, a sort of living for the present and immediate future kind of thing. Every methodological approach to life is bound to fail however, for the simple reason that it's complicated. Being content with what I am now leaves me with the possibility tht I am not living up to my full potential(what's my full potential anyway?) Could leave me defeatist to. But I certainly shan't complain, i'm not in a particularly depressed mood. Besides, there are always the more unfortunate, right? How sensible of me. That's why writing is so good. Sometimes it allows you to make things a little simpler than they are in real life, to some maybe gross distortions of the truth. That's because this writing is frankly rather undisciplined, I like to call it rambling, just putting down my thoughts.