well yeah, anyway as clarence has been talking to agnes and talking about suicide and death and his friend siwei...well. is it possible to keep an open mind about it? should we attempt to understand why people do it? discourage it? accept it when it happens? it's possibly impossible to accept when it happens anyway, until after some time. that's what makes the appeal of suicide so powerful...it's power on the living...because death does get the living to sit up and notice. notice for all the times i've been lonely, depressed, not listened to. "too visionary, too blind." Of course, I do think about it, never how I'm going to do it, although perhaps wanting to sometimes, but those times perhaps i am not really sensible. When you think about it, it is quite insensible, usually, i was so afraid of death anyway, althought it is now hard to reproduce that choking feeling which i used to have when it dawned on me that i was not immortal p5 and so. I guess I am forced to believe there is an afterlife, because it would be so bleak at the end. I find it hard to believe in it with all my heart( if there are different degrees of belief), I'm sort of like a doubting thomas...show me the wounds.
there is so much to live for anyway. but we do tend to be a little reactionary, especially with those whom we don't really know. we reaxt to those to think of suicide as if we've never thought those thoughts, for life is worht living, yes, in out sensible state of mind. we react against sensibility through rebellion.
well/