"Just because it feels good,
doesn't make it right"

I've always remembered these 2 lines from a song called "Hedonism", if I'm not wrong. I can't even remember who sang it... I know I heard it at Wala's one night... I got the impression it was bout a girl who didn't want to be sucked in into some relationship.

It's always open to debate I guess... there's no point going through life thinking that ascetism and suffering in life is right either. And I guess it makes me feel guilty when I commit something close to what the song title is.

To the point I guess... now we decided to go visit Patpong, to see what the renowned Thai nightlife is like. Okay... we didn't really no our way, and we accidentally stumbled through the homosexual section, where we were propositioned... Patpong is full of aggressive touts who try to bring you to see "Thai-gers" and "Ping-pong pussy" and all sorts of fantastic sex shows.

I needed a break so I ducked into a 7-11 to get some smokes.

So there we were walking up and down the street, touts everywhere. I had a bad feeling, I guess everybody did. We walked the street once I guess, didn't find anything we liked. Most of the "sex" shows were located in suspicious looking second stories of shophouses, up some dark stairway.

I think we thought "what the hell, we're in patpong anyway, lets get ourselves a drink". I thought well I guess it'd be fine if we went to one of those lighted ones where women in bikinis dance around poles. I was suspicious of 2nd storey shophouses I guess because I know screwed up shit happens, but I guess I was curious. Just like the other time I was propositioned at Hsimenting in Taipei. Part of me wanted to "see", you know, been there, done that.

Went up to the first 2nd storey... gave me the freaks, went back down. Eventually, I we did go up to one of them, accompanied by a very irritating and pushy guy who seemed to be from the Bangkok underworld, with desperation seeping from his voice.

Okay, and then there were gyrating women and a few others lounging around in bikinis. Nothing about the room spoke eroticism. My bottle of Heineken was my friend. And as usual, when I am lost and weak and really really confused, I have a light.

There was a rather quiet whore (hostess/sex worker? whatever shall we call them?) beside me. We made casual conversation. (yes, talk to a whore. how typical.) in a fit of messianic emotion i decided to get her a drink (how noble.) In hindsight I probably just contributed more money to the big-bellied owners of this establishment.

I think I felt so bad because I felt so helpless... eventually we left. I felt moral outrage but I had gone in didn't I? I am disgusted with myself. I have to be honest, I also hated the world. Because you know, if you find the words, you could probably convince me that there is nothing wrong with paid sex, that sex is just some human instinct, and it's just stupid social mores that deny us our all-too-human sensuality. I guess so, but I guess then that this didn't feel sensual at all.

We walked out quickly, anyway. It was a joke and I felt very lonely. Being wrong is the next worst feeling the world. I hate this phrase but because I find it so hard to describe what I felt that night, I guess I felt that I was anchorless and drifting. And I really didn't like the world one bit.