I can't sleep, but that's no worry, I've had enough over the past few days, and at the wrong time too.

I'm worrying about a presentation that I have to make on Wednesday. I don't like presentations when you don't have strong subject matter, and I don't think I have strong subject matter. And I can't change it one bit here so I will have to wait until I go to the office tomorrow and see what I can salvage. I have no database, all I have are plans and hypothesis. One last thing before ORD then (how many times have I said this). And I'm always uncomfortable when I'm presenting something not of my own conception. Nothing like the artist to present their own work.

One worry leads to another. I am thinking I am going to have to work on my Mathematics and Statistics, when, in a fit of curiosity, I went to go look at my course requirements and what my options were in 1st year. It's the second time, but the fear crept in. Here I am, anticipating, my lovely brand new life, and I'm finally worrying that there's going to be a lot of sweat with all these terms I don't understand. And so many options, so many things I want to study.

It also happened because I dropped by the faculty of arts and social sciences at NUS to have a look at what I was missing. Was accompanying a friend to open house and I guess the good thing is that it did refresh a bit of my vigour for the social sciences, given my worry that gosh, you know, I'm not going to have a professional degree and call myself expert in something, and I could well be another smooth talking graduate who knows shit all. But I guess there's something I've always appreciated about it, that's it's an education of perspective, and, may I hazard, interesting to study. I've grown to love many subjects, and now the only matter is if I'm any good in them.

On the same day I was also lent a copy of Nietzsche, "Beyond Good & Evil". I had never read this man before, only heard of him, apparently he was a nihilist, saying god was dead and psycho things like 'that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger'. I read it because I thought I had time and like many other impulses I have had, I wanted to read books like these in case I never get to read them as part of my education. Waiting for school to teach Nietzsche means you are going to be taking a course in philosophy.

Philosophy is useless. That is insofar as you view it as having some form of utility, for example, if it contrives to teach something about man that can be applied and result in human progress. Perhaps we can give it credit for laying the foundation of our scientific principles and it's rigorous examination of language and logic, or philology. Perhaps it has led us to open our mind to accept new ideas in the organisation of human society which has lead to leaps in human welfare and productivity. And perhaps it teaches us how to be more spiritual people, to conduct ourselves always in a spirit of searching for veritas, a scientific truth, or to reach a shining city after our death.

Reading Nietzsche though, one has a sense that philosophy is not a science which is supposed to give us truth, neither can it provide us with any form of guidance. At best, philosophy is self-indulgent, constantly contradicts itself (for who thinks the same?), and will just take you around in circles and realize that the problem with the problem is the words in them, so it can't be solved, or some stupid think like that.

For example, I tried to read Descartes, it was... well philosophy, conjectures on the human mind, "I think therefore I am." It was hopelessly dated though, compared with what we now know about the human being, and it's ridiculous when people start questioning... wait, thus an I have to think? Is it not the thought that appears before the thinker? etc etc...

But I like this Nietzsche guy, not because I agree with his view on life. I like it because it's good art, because he echoes feelings and thoughts although you may not necessarily agree with them. He speaks of Wagner, Shakespeare, Goethe, greek tragedy, for in all these works of art there is perfectly good philosophy and psychology. And he bothers to tell it with good prose and occasional poetry. In what he says, one can find affirmation or rejection, and plenty of thoughts to scribble along the margin.

What I would love to do, really, is to write each entry here brilliantly, as if every entry here would make me laugh or think and leave me satisfied with it. But to do that requires work, because seriously typing off like this is blabber. Yet I'd also like my blog to be something I can well just mouth off everyday without feeling the compulsion to write well or something. What low standards! I've given up on entries being honest.(i'm obliged to point out that I never tried, it's not my game) It's impossible! (What do you want to know about me? Today I cried, yesterday I laughed. I sinned today.) I cannot remember my emotions, and I just can't stand reading some things. I am my biggest censor.

I also do know that I need to write more happy things like the wind blowing down my face and the albatrosses in the sky, true love, fulfilment, genuine surprise and laughter and tickling. but now i am alone and i am in an anxious mood waiting for things to happen and as always happen, ill discipline leads me to blabber shit like this. and tomorrow we will make something happen. how's that. there's more about nietzsche but it's for the margins.