pray for us sinners now

nice picture. reminds me of taking 157 every morning a long time ago, and staring out the window is everyone's fav activity before ipods were invented, after which filming mental self-mtvs is preferable... but nowadays i take tibs buses more often and we rarely have those old style seats in the picture. pity.






it is 6.24 am and the world wakes up to a new morning, in singapore, at least. i am filled with despondency and dread, this particular morning.

i went to sleep after watching a movie which i watched after i couldn't go to sleep. i couldn't sleep still so this is why i'm awake. oh look, there goes jesse again, with his characteristic lack of humour, in telling everyone why this world is so fucked up, oh how vanilla, why not revel in how fucked up the world is. or where's your characteristic peace hope love joy message? is having a fucked up world even bad to begin with? we certainly could all do with the variety.

it's not a message i like to spread, you know, i mean, get a job, get married, find love, be happy, even be famous and god damn succesful while helping people. but maybe it's too much in a day. admittedly, not even in my life. if people fucked me up or spat on me i could still understand well maybe you hate me or maybe i'm not a very nice person or maybe you're anal retentive. but i'm a boy living in singapore and thousands of people would smuggle drugs to be in my shoes.

maybe it's the fact that people change toilet seats in a school with a gay teacher because they're scared they'll get aids. and people writing about bloggers spoiling s'pores image cause tourists will think we r sluts when they read our blogs. whatever. and now that fucking people fucking swallow 63 pellets of drugs to be in the states just to have a proper life. hey, it's a message of hope. note that i knew shit like that happened already. i read more than enough. i just hate to be fucking reminded.

and it's not like something can't be done. you could be fucking president of the un, or some ngo, or build houses in nepal. they're all worthy causes. even working a decent day's wages is, or writing some fantasy novel that people across the world like. you know. tell yourself you're doing something better, and that's something you like. i'd like that, yes. and i know the world is getting better but we're all fucked up and we're going to hell in a basket.

i know it because i knew it since i was 11. first i knew people die. that wasn't so bad you get over the vomitting feeling because everyone seems to deal fine and really it isn't that bad when you know everyone shares the same fate. i knew it when i was 13, when i realized there a few hundred people my age growing up wanting to make something of themselves. i knew it maybe even at 14 or 15 when adolescent hopes for love and the combination of hormones made many people my age rather angsty and edgy. and growing up and being adult i thought well maybe i don't need to know now because we are all responsible, think for ourselves and need to make this world better. but i should have known that just because you want to make the world better doesn't make it a better place. it's still fucked up the same. tough huh. deal.

i knew it through all the times people die and when i fell off at Sapa from the rocks i wasn't really very sad. but of course you're grateful and likely so. and i know it even now, here and then, when i think it's good to be great, that maybe the more pwoerful or eloquent or famous you are you can do more, that just by saying a few words you could get some people to donate to africa and it would make things much better, but when a sex tourist is doing more than you to equalize incomes in the 3rd world, you know you've got a long way to go. add that to all, what's the bloody use of having a blog to begin with.

and you know even if you had enough love for them all they would still nail you to the cross. my god how that must have hurt. and for the lesser ones of us who have even less, well, we can stand by, offer our love to those we think deserve it, or just simply love. and it's 1 person, and we can think, yes, and if the world pairs up like that at least they won't be fucked up alone, there'll always be someone watching your back, good, oh but even then can you sleep at night.

and of course there's always the morning and the world becomes more bearable again. well, the figurative morning, not all nights are so miserable. but when people remind you of how screwed up the world is, how trivial your success is, your progress, or even your greatness. my god. sense of wonder. amazement.

and then you see that staying and quitting was never an option, the world was here to begin with and we must all be grateful for it. unless you're like the few who chose to take matters in their own hands because maybe there was some place better where they didn't have to worry about it all. yes but then they're definitely quitters for not trying to make it all better. but i can definitely understand, they only ever wanted the best for themselves. selfish buggers.