1. how does one learn how to use energy positively? the energy i have now comes because i am semi-tired, and it seems like i can't be bothered to sort out what is worth doing/worth saying. so often nowadays i am able to say, i need the energy tomorrow, so i will sleep tonight. but i can't do this tonight, so i just blabber.

2. usually, when i focus, once i get over the distraction hill, what i start doing becomes quite fun. this is, of course, momentum. tonight i feel like i can't use this energy productively. if i start focusing, then i fall asleep, because it is an energy that comes from lowering the dam due to tiredness, not the kind of energy that you get because the water overflows the dam. but sleep is so boring. i usually look forwards to relaxation but i actually feel quite tense, like it's wasting what i feel now.

3. i think having certain people around me actually puts me at ease.

4. one gets these moods because one is usually tired of directing energy externally (which is the order of things), and i might get easily tired of directing energy externally. so one lapses into lazy, internal type thinking. what is so interesting about this box anyway. other people have far more interesting boxes. aah, but i can't look into them.

5. one uses the same concepts for everything. what the hell does box mean. external, internal, hill. where are the frames of reference. there was a resolution once. if you find yourself thinking an old thought, cut yourself off, lazy! it's not like these things are new. they are a waste.

6. but it is scary to lose energy, even diffuse one.

7. external topics are common topics of conversation, because they allow two parties to focus upon a single fixed point of reference. who the hell can see what is inside a pin-hole box.

8. why use numbers anw if the information i put down carries no logical sequence?

9. people who read this pls don't get offended b/c i am a blabbering psychonaut who should go out and have fun. i should, but you guys do make me tense.

10. ok, now i am convinced that i am ready. i think i will wake up tomorrow and then i will be able to have a routine again.