i rushed to the hospital tonight and i was thankful for everything that made the world tick. the mildly interested doctor. the nurses from the phillipines. the gas in the car.

i was envious that this person could make my grandmother feel better. (well, not really, actually, she isn't feeling any better). but i guess the assurance that something is being done, somewhere, and it'll all go away.

nowadays i like that side of me. "jesse is driving to the hospital." "jesse is doing something." "jesse is making the kids laugh". "jesse is doing mathematics and enjoying his work." "jesse is getting a couple of people together for a drink". in the future, maybe "jesse is sealing 10 billion dollar deals with his left arm and finger fucking someone with his right."

when you look at life, or throw yourself at it, they say, (you get what you give), everything is better, or whizzes by (even if you forgot to smell the roses). but don't you hate that side? "jesse is lying in bed thinking about roses." "jesse is a self pitying bastard." "jesse is mortally petrified of not being loved, and other abstract things." "jesse is wondering how to be creative with his left brain and fantasizing with his right".

i can only accept that i'm not clark kent. and growing up does mean accepting the fact that every day there are springs to be wound, faces to put on, smiles to keep. no, it's not that difficult, smiles are mostly sincere (depending on how you go through life), but what i'm saying is that what keeps you going is energy. energy that at the end of the day, most of us are left bereft of, but we still have to keep on going for meaning and whatever good that energy is to us.

and these breaks are just excuses for us to break down once in a while. that's why they're called breaks. see! in fact, i will be shameless and scream it from the mountaintop: "I NEED SOMEONE! WHERE ARE YOU?" and all those bemused people will turn their heads saying "you got call me?", if you happen to be on Orchard Road. On a rather more dark, empty deserted street, maybe there'll be nobody, but it'll be a whole lot less embarassing.

the bill is here. the room is still sanitized. the guest of honour is wheeled out, and the face is on. i am looking forward to going to school tomorrow, and the tailor, and the specialist, and preparing my goodbyes...