if i had a choice, i would be out and about everyday... in fact that's what i'm trying to do, i stepped out into the sun today, visited a construction site, and had pork chop rice (damn, another favourite food ruined, but who cares nyum nyum).

so in some sense i'm looking forward to work, more constant interaction. one of the occupational hazards of what i do now (studying for finals, research) is that it is rather internally focused. one needs a strong, settled emotional core. the sudden loss of the relationship has made the inward focus almost intense, unbearable, and i gain so much more traction looking at all the stuff out there in the world. this is why teaching brought me out of my slump. ted hughes said the same about poetry didn't he. as one of the most inward looking of the arts it takes a toll on the weak.

i think i have energy again. always feel the most vulnerable at night and in the mornings. once the mind sets in to focus, things get better. didn't help that i had to listen to an hour of preaching in the morning (although i tried my best to listen. pay my dues, you know?)