there's a reason why i feel so much kinship to the themes expressed in hejira. given the person i am, at heart i should be happy, to be free, to wander where i wish. perhaps part of the problem is that the biology always comes back to haunt me. it's difficult to scrub out the smell, scour the brain. maybe i'll have to throw my entire bed out. damned memory. and i don't see any reason why it should be so hard. i've come to be at peace with myself, and my thoughts, and i've learnt to be happy with myself since those tumultuous teenage days.

but there's happy and there's happy you know? and god, i've been happy these past 3 years. that's the crushing realization. i have so much to thank her for, and yet... what else crushes me is that maybe the happiness wasn't shared, that i've been a source of pain and tension. but now i've tasted it i'm doomed. and i think this might just be what i'm looking for forever, from now on.

I'm traveling in some vehicle
I'm sitting in some cafe
A defector from the petty wars
That shell shock love away
There's comfort in melancholy
When there's no need to explain
It's just as natural as the weather
In this moody sky today
In our possessive coupling
So much could not be expressed
So now I'm returning to myself
These things that you and I suppressed
I see something of myself in everyone
Just at this moment of the world
As snow gathers like bolts of lace
Waltzing on a ballroom girl

You know it never has been easy
Whether you do or you do not resign
Whether you travel the breadth of extremities
Or stick to some straighter line
Now heres a man and a woman sitting on a rock
They're either going to thaw out or freeze
Listen...
Strains of benny goodman
Coming through the snow and the pinewood trees
I'm porous with travel fever
But you know I'm so glad to be on my own
Still somehow the slightest touch of a stranger
Can set up trembling in my bones
I know - no one's going to show me everything
We all come and go unknown
Each so deep and superficial
Between the forceps and the stone

Well I looked at the granite markers
Those tribute to finality - to eternity
And then I looked at myself here
Chicken scratching for my immortality
In the church they light the candles
And the wax rolls down like tears
There's the hope and the hopelessness
I've witnessed thirty years
Were only particles of change I know, I know
Orbiting around the sun
But how can I have that point of view
When I'm always bound and tied to someone
White flags of winter chimneys
Waving truce against the moon
In the mirrors of a modern bank
from the window of a hotel room

I'm traveling in some vehicle
I'm sitting in some cafe
A defector from the petty wars
Until love sucks me back that way