let this be a little lesson for me. at least for the next few months.

i'll start the lesson from the lowest of the low. because, then, as soros says, the only way is up. no, i never had the misfortune of only having coins left in my pocket (though i've ran out of money a couple of times in london, i always had a safety net to fall back on).

there's a stretch along the BKE where you realize that so much of Singapore is still forest. my old camp, the zoo, and it was 9am. how often do i find myself heading south along the BKE at nine in the morning? so the skies were pregnant with those trademark cumulonimbi, and it was grey, really grey. all the southbound motorcyclists stopped by the side of the road getting their ponchos out. me? i was trying to keep my puke in my mouth.

there's a corner of my brain marked humiliation which has memories from a long way back. i never truly forget them, and i would love to share them except that perhaps my honesty has its limits sometimes. but this one, this wasn't my most glorious moment. i was keeping my puke in my mouth. so typical jesse you know? you have to puke. wind down the window, puke in the cab, hell. but jesse's just so intent on being proper and dignified. no puking in cabs for him. and so it's better to keep all that vomit inside, to taste it, puff out the cheeks a bit.

hurriedly paid my 17+ cab fare. cabs are that expensive nowadays huh? so i hit the turf outside my place, it was raining and finally let it all go. the cab driver must have breathed a sigh of relief. phew, dodged one sicko there. so it was raining, on the asphalt, and rain on asphalt has that brilliant musky smell. i was puking water (because all the food had gone in earlier spells at night). i make the same promise i do every time: don't do this anymore, it's not worth it. why do you always find yourself in this situation? i felt kinda ashamed to be walking up back home, wet, introducing myself, having breakfast, puking some more. but nobody laughed at me, and i just opened up really for the first time i guess. i remember this moment before. i remember with debi carting lip all the way up 4 flights of stairs back home to his parents, who simply welcomed him in knowingly. it was love again too. maybe he's made the right choices now. girls nowadays. god, where are all these people nowadays. all over the world.

but i can tell you why i did it. it was 8.45 the previous night, i was bored. i remembered not being able to sleep and i do miss the warm fuzzy feeling that hits when you've got the right amount. i want to be able to sleep and feel like hugging things because i feel warm, and i do want to sound and feel funny. so teetotaler... yeah, sometimes. i owe myself this night out of town after a while. hell, i told myself that 3 months ago, but i didn't let myself go. no reason to. too much to lose, too little to gain.

so if it involves spending those hazy hours deconstructing romance of the three kingdoms in an all too literal way, or being brutally honest, maybe it was worth it. it wasn't. everyone tells me i'm honest. well, everyone is honest to someone aren't they? maybe i'm just honest to you, and dishonest to everyone else. yeah yeah, my honesty is refreshing. so now you tell me that too. so what am i, a watering hole of honesty? i hide things too you know. and i guess i also go quench my thirst with some people. maybe i quench off impulsive people, maybe it's true, maybe they're a side of me that's in me but i never indulge. balance, you know, zen. but i know i can't hide a lot from those i pour out to. i too can learn to lie. telling someone annoying they're attractive, just to practise. it's not that difficult. it even feels good. but not for long.

so, don't do it again soon. not worth it. the hours of headaches, the entire day spent in bed. urgh. i get so little mileage. when i tried doing some exercise a few hours ago i could feel the headache coming back. i just take so long to detox.

i was struck, i guess. i guess i still cannot see this as happiness. it is not happiness, so i cannot lie that it is. being free, to laze around, to spend time with my old habits. this is not happiness. maybe it will settle to be happiness out of the inevitable recharging, i don't know. but it's not.

sudden rude shock: nobody cares. start from that. then you can be zen. but i know that i found that philosophy too dystopian. it's true, there's an entire type of people selling this to me too. the world is tough, people don't give a shit if you're unhappy, they're not gonna grade you more kindly, yep, i know all this. but people do care, i guess. maybe not the ones you want to, but some people do care. so, no, i'm not going to go to that world yet.

so, another night out on town tomorrow. will go easy. and then slowly friends start coming back and i can start doing normal things like lunches and dinners and studying together at nus. no more cigarettes, they just keep you from sleeping. smoke one, crush the pack. and hopefully we have better more exciting stories on the way.