confessions of an introvert

i know, people have me pegged. there are times where i wake up in the morning and think, "must i? must i really put myself out there in front of people's faces?", these days especially more than ever, i appreciate that it might be more important than ever to do that. and people everywhere must be amazed that introverts even exist. i mean, it's positively easy to be fun-loving and to be nice and open to people... why make it out to be such a chore?

i don't know, yes i am introverted. what does that mean? it means that i am shy, i guess, sometimes around people i've never met much. it means that i am afraid to transgress their boundaries, perhaps afraid what they might find taboo and what they might find not. lots of afraid, fear, i guess. of their sensibilities. perhaps a need to protect them.

am i? i'm pretty opinionated actually. when someone gives it to me about religion i'm not afraid to give back. i know religion, i claim, i've been there. i burn with intensity, i know it when i stay up to write, and it frustrates me sometimes that people don't see it. but perhaps that is the secret, the secret is in putting in out there. but you see this is my medium. perhaps i've neglected this a little bit, but can't you see?

yes, i freak a bit when you put me in a bunch of people and they're not my clique. i don't have the ability to make the lights shine a little bit brighter in the room. for all intents, people have me pegged right. i am an introvert, sometimes i feel necessarily so because otherwise i will go on and on and on.... over time i have tried to push out a bit whenever the circle has drawn too far in. in hwa chong. from the ashes of an old breakup i've taken good advice: "it is the time you have wasted on your rose that makes it so valuable". i've learnt the importance of little trinkets and the gifts, and constant reaffirmation. i learnt to preserve less time for myself. now i know there's so much more to do, in terms of outward expression. yes, i got the name wrong from time to time. yes, many other mistakes.

but it's no point thinking of the person you are. you're you, with all your warts and imperfections. who do you want to be? a lot of people but right now, you want to be madonna, a shelter from the storm. you have a certain calm and strength to share, and you don't know when it will next be needed. i am bloody picky. and at this point, i must emphasize that yes i've also learnt not to fall in love with the concept of love. i know when i love somebody i mean it, because i'm bloody picky, so if michelle can take any heart is that she should know she was special. sometimes you wonder if the type of girl you like will ever be right for you. but at least you know what you want. you wonder if you have to bend yourself in some direction, so you can get what you want. when you've been looked over for someone else, you always wonder, do i have to be like them? what can i learn from them? you realize part of the futility, you can be closer to them, but never them. but just because you're an introvert doesn't mean you're some furniture, wallpaper. inside you burns an intensity which keeps you up at night. you reach out to people you have a connection to. i can only hope the people i have made the connection with don't resent me. you are chatty, you've had enough multi-hour conversations to last a lifetime, and you can only hope that these conversations mean as much to them as they meant to you. your friends are scattered all over the world, but you know over the past few weeks you had enough of them such that you always had someone to connect with. connecting has always been the easy part for you. of course, the sudden loss of an idealized future, and the fact that not all of your friends are free/ there to physically connect or provide you with the intimacy that you need. it is because you have tasted it, so you know what you lack.

perhaps it's not just fear too... it's the temptation to think that you've seen past everyone, that there isn't anything interesting in the people you're not interested in. again, your intensity, don't just write people off. they can surprise you sometimes.

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what have i lost, really? well, if i'm on my plane to london, and the pilot says, good morning everyone, unfortunately we've lost power in all of our engines and we're going to be kebabs in a giant fireball in 30 minutes, then yes, i wouldn't have that selfish last phone call. to know that you are the world to someone or that someone is the world to you. no of course, in 30 minutes, you'd have so many phone calls. but you know, the one you had to make? it would have been a great life, but it wouldn't be ideal. and ideal is what i am looking for. besides, you rolled down the hill on sapa and you had none of this shit, and all you could think about was what you should do to survive (cup hands on ears, oh shit how did this happen, pool). no flashing before your eyes stuff.

but to impose/will this on someone? nah. there was this psychological study wasn't it. that people were conditioned to think that what was rare was valuable, by virtue of it's rarity. it's because you have to go out there and win it, look for it, that's what has always appealed to you.

you've improved a little from your secondary school days. you've learnt to work more, to put aside distractions to get what you want. you're not always successful because you procrastinate and let slip of your standards sometimes. but the past 3 years have been pretty decent. now the trick is to solve the diseconomy of effort, by focusing more on what you want, and not to do things you don't want to do. experiment, by all means, but don't continue if you don't like the results. and it's not always about effort, or your own effort. people can help you.

and to write... look at your blog. there are times it has become distinctly less interesting, it always covers the same old ground. it doesn't matter. what i'm really proud of is keeping it going for so long. if it makes connections, good, if it doesn't, it gives me plenty of inner strength. i've drawn so much strength from well-written blogs, heck, well-written anything, in general.

yay. ok, let's hope flu goes away soon.