once in a while these days i chance upon a game-changing revelation, something that changes the entire mood and the tenor of the day.

today what lifted everything came a as a bolt from the blue. i think it's just incomparably sweet to pick someone out, talk to them, realize you enjoy being around them so much you hang around, and you hang around because you want that extra moment, you're wracked by anxiety and the tension of whether or not they'd want to hang around too. the vulnerability is not fun, but it's incomparable sweetness from someone looking in from the outside, imagining, looking in. at the creation of romance. there has been net creation of happiness in the world. this is why i enjoy listening to stories of how people met. i hate it once they've got together, they become boring. unless they've been together forever, then they earn my grudging respect=p.

there is some sort of a communism to love, because i've felt that before. (but in our monogamy, we are unabashed capitalists. property rights damnit.) i still feel it now, the flutters, but perhaps my flutters are more those of a junkie. when i do feel jealousy, it's of a couple formed, corralling all that laughter for themselves, and i feel i'm feeding off scraps. or perhaps, fat, comfortable and complacent, like i once was. and afraid of meeting them at the weirdest places in town. but love is there to be shared.

so i don't know, i just thought how that might happen to me instead in the future, and it was strangely uplifting. alright, back to the amazing statistical properties of life.

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