why live life from dream to dream?

�Curiouser and curiouser!� Cried Alice (she was so much surprised, that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good English).

seriouser and seriouser, say i.

i should maybe start using my spanish more. but yes you know it's just the inertia and the lack of effort to take out those words from my vocabulary especially when i learn at such a slow pace and iget lost.

i've been meaning to write a "serious" post for a long time because i have felt quite "serious." but then, what is there to blather about? plenty really. sister wrote back again about how my words made her "self concious" and so she's gonna check whenever she bitches next time. oh no. is there any worse thing you can do then making a teenage girl self concious? but then there was more cheery banter about singaporean politics and about how mm lee was shredding people to bits with his intelligence in a tv show. i miss singapore, and especially as my mom would be like "alvina teh! she used to be from st ignatius last time." yeah she was in my catechism class. i remember we got into a debate on contraception and i (and another girl) was for it while the teacher was against it and we were bringing in all those theories about runaway population growth, and she coolly replied that "we should perhaps not be so worried about what humans will do, after all, if there is a god then surely he will solve the problems."

i know, perhaps logically, rationally it doesn't hold water, but i remember it being an appropriate answer at the time. anyway, the memory fails me. but i was impressed not so much that the answer made sense, but it was an appropriate answer at an appropriate time. why bother about contraception you're not using anyway? ok, i shan't. ok, like ok wow she's in smu in her 3rd year now. how little acquaintances have moved on. i just want to say i miss being a couch potato and being forced to sit around and watch politics and national day rally speeches.

so even if you cause people to cringe when you speak up, i guess sometimes you just will. but i can't be brimstone and hellfire now. i mean i remember how i would ramble on about dido and aeneas in gp class and have to stand to read my essays. urgh. but at the same time all those times i was rambling on about james joyce when i clearly understood little of what he said i was having a whale of a time. because then a friend would ask me to read finnegan's wake and we would all be happy.

so friend was talking about lse, how the intellectual curiosity has been sort of deadened here. how maybe we should all not do masters. personally i feel my classes have been quieter than they were in jc. because you know in jc they pamper you. i can not do my econs mcq and when asked to do question on the board have a little laugh and smile sheepishly. seems so long ago now!

we're all mature adults now, and i guess we have to depend on ourselves for intellectual curiousity. and after all there are so many other things out there in the world to discover hehe like how to make shitloads of money and spend it all on wine. haha. there's so much wine in the world!

then i got an email about a dying girl with tongue cancer and her whole life laid out for her. if you really want to look there's probably a tragedy round every corner. so you know, you're usually desensitised, or go "aww..." unless it's someone close, where surprisingly enough, the way you worry about it is not psychopathic sadness. it's some vague form of anxiety even curiosity. like cruel tough i know. but here we are smoking. and they say on the cigarette pack, smoking causes cancer, etc etc. and here was ms model girl, didn't set too much of a foot wrong, just struck down like that, never touched a stick in her life. kinda made me feel bad. you wish there was something out there that would just equalize anything (is it any surprise that the temptation to be socialist is so strong, especially among the young?). i remember once the simple explanation in sophie's world about children. when they pull the rabbit out of the hat, it is of no surprise to the baby, because maybe rabbits come out of the hat. and it's something knew that they learn. but we've already been brought up, we have all these concepts, that post hoc, ergo propter hoc is a fallacy. so when we see a rabbit coming out of the hat we ask why? how did the magician do it? and then we accept that fact that maybe rabbits come out of hats but because it is magic or caused by some trick.
being a teenager is a bit like that. why? why is life unfair? is there anything we can do to change it? some of us retain that, and others still go on accepting the fact that life is unfair. sometimes goes under the guise of "conservatism", and you know, not all conservatives are bad people. they don't deserve the bad rap they get. they just ask different questions. as debi pointed out... this quite from strianti:

"This, moreover, assumes that the question why people should accept a particular social order is the only legitimate question to ask. It can be claimed that an equally legitimate question is why should people not accept a particular social order?""

conservatism in 3 lines.

i have not much fondness in making decisions for other people, asking their questions or etc. and then i am confronted with friends for whom things have not gone well. so what phrases can you pull out of your bag of tricks? que sera sera? don't worry, everything will be fine. yes, i like the inevitability of fate sometimes, you know, a sort of "god will provide" answer like miguel says. even though so much shit has happened? how can you continue to have faith? but somehow the next day still comes and things go on.

sometimes i worry people are talking behind my back or something. but i think i should worry about it less. because even if they are, i don't think there's much i can do. just hope they're not secretly thinking i'm weird or something. because sometimes i think that. the title. oh yes. when we're disappointed, should we just try to find something else to fill that gap or ought we persist. pertinent question, raised by someone. and the worrying thing is that maybe i am a latter sort of person. dream to dream. another country. another school. another future, another person, another place.

i tend to go so off tangent when i try to attempt something like this and my friends always remind me hey you can't reduce life into an analogy or try to sort things like them. sometimes things just happen you know.
yeah they do.
sorry. serious enough?

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